


can't handle change

by lavenderkasp



Category: T@gged (Web Series), t@gged
Genre: Angst and Humor, Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Internalized Homophobia, Mention of attempted suicide, almost forgot that one sorry folks, and step siblings but also best friends, humor if you think i'm funny if not just angst and i'm sorry for that, sean has a crush on trevor you just need to squint a little, trevor and rowan are best friends
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-24
Updated: 2020-03-24
Packaged: 2021-02-28 18:07:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,145
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23291413
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lavenderkasp/pseuds/lavenderkasp
Summary: “It’s nothing important, I’ve just been thinking about how things are gonna change when we all go to college.” Trevor spoke slowly. If he wanted to change the subject now he could.“We both know you can’t handle change, think of something else.” Brandon replied.
Relationships: Trevor Askill/Brandon Darrow
Comments: 16
Kudos: 18





	can't handle change

**Author's Note:**

> i was listening to “i can’t handle change” by roar and this is what came out of it enjoy

This weekend, much like any other, Trevor found himself driving Rowan around another empty back road. Ever since their parents had gotten together (making for one of the most awkward step-sibling introductions), he realized that Rowan wasn’t nearly as bad as he expected her to be; in fact, if anyone asked he would probably say he was one of his best friends. In their small town, there wasn’t much to do besides throw parties, get drunk or drive around aimlessly all three of which Trevor enjoyed but Rowan was mainly a fan of the last one. Sometimes they would alternate who drove but they both knew Trevor loved it the most, even if he wouldn’t admit it. A chance for him to be both inside and outside, a way to listen to all the music he wants without being judged, and an opportunity for his thoughts to roam free, something that Rowan was always more than happy to listen to.

As they drove down the state road, Rowan reached for the phone in an attempt to change the music, nearly causing Trevor to swerve off the road.

“You’re joking, right?” Trevor questioned. Rowan replied with a confused look. “If you wanna change the song you gotta ask! I have different playlists for each road we drive down. I don’t know why you’d wanna mess with perfection like that.”

Rowan looked down at the phone and noticed the playlist name, State Road 7, a small smile on her face as she fought back a laugh.

“If you’re laughing at the playlist I promise I will pull this car over and kick you out.”

“I’m not laughing at the playlist! It’s just kinda crazy to think how close we’ve become over the past few months. No offense but last year the thought of being in a car with you would’ve made me want to stand in front of a train.” 

“Yeah, it’s crazy how quickly things can change.” Trevor replied before his mind started to wander. He thought of all the things that had changed over the short time. He had gotten accepted into USC for film and was hit with the reality that all the constants in his life for the past few years were going to drastically change. The idea of moving away from the town he had begrudgingly grown to love left a bittersweet taste in his mouth; sure, he’d never have to deal with another shitty high school teacher ever again but the thought of being so far away from his friends made him want to lay on the floor with a bottle of cheap vodka. The realist side of him knew that everything would be okay in the end but the side of him that used to use alcohol as a coping mechanism kept telling him that that was the only way he would get through it.

“What’s on your mind?” Rowan questioned.

“Nothing.” Trevor replied much too quickly for it to be true.

“C’mon I know that look. You don’t need to shut me out, what’s wrong?” Rowan prodded. 

“Can you pass me the box from the glove compartment?” Trevor asked instead.

“If I do then will you talk to me?” 

“There’s only one way to find out.”

Rowan replied with an eye roll but reached into the glove compartment regardless, pulling out the small box Trevor had nicknamed “Trevor’s Trap Pack”. She opened the box, a freshly rolled blunt, a grinder and the signature Zippo sitting nicely inside. Trevor slowed the car down enough to light the blunt and take a hit, making sure to blow the smoke out the cracked window when he remembered how much Rowan hated the smell. 

“Okay now will you tell me?” Rowan questioned, placing the box back into the glove compartment.

“I was just thinking about college and how quickly everything is gonna change.” A silence fell over the car as Trevor took another hit.

“I’m gonna miss you too.” Rowan whispered quietly.

“I never said that!”

She shoved his shoulder. “Don’t be a dick I know you were thinking it.” 

The two rode in a comfortable silence for a bit longer before being interrupted by the sound of an incoming text on Trevor’s phone. With one hand on the steering wheel and another holding a joint, Rowan thought it was in the best interest of everyone in the car if she read the text for him. 

“Sean wants to know if they can come over tonight to watch movies.”

“Tell him only if I can pick the movie.” Trevor replied.

“You say it like any of us ever have a choice.” Rowan said with a laugh as she hit send.

In typical Trevor fashion, she was met with a middle finger. “Fuck you.” 

* * *

When they arrived at the house Brandon and Sean were already waiting inside.

“You guys couldn’t even wait until we got here?” Rowan questioned incredulously. “How the hell did you all even get in?”

“I came in through T’s window and let Sean in through the front door.” Brandon spoke with a shrug, as if this was an every day occurrence. 

Trevor put his hands up in defense. “Look he’s here six days a week anyway I’m tired of having to get the door for him so I just leave my window unlocked now!” Rowan couldn’t help the laughter that escaped her and soon enough, everyone in the room was laughing too. Having everyone together was one change that Trevor didn’t mind, he loved having everyone he cared about in the same room. 

“Well I would say make yourselves comfortable but clearly you guys already have! Trevor come help me get snacks.” Rowan said, making her way into the kitchen.

“You can’t pour chips into a bowl on your own?” Trevor replied, having already sat down on the couch.

“Come help me!” Trevor got up with a groan and reluctantly followed Rowan into the kitchen. As soon as they were a safe distance away from the other two, Rowan began whisper yelling at Trevor.

“Seriously? He climbed through the window?”

“Wait, you’re not actually mad about that are you?”

“No! I’m mad you didn’t tell me you liked him.” 

Trevor felt himself freeze. He found himself getting defensive. “What the fuck are you talking about?” 

“You let him sneak through your window, dude! Half the time he’s here I barely notice him coming in which obviously means he’s using your window more than the door!”

“And that’s supposed to mean that I like him? I don’t fucking like guys.” Trevor felt his fists balling at his sides, his knuckles turning a pale white and his vision blurring. The only thing keeping him grounded was the tv playing faintly in the background, a reminder that they weren’t alone in the house.

Rowan put a hand on his shoulder that he immediately pushed off. He felt like the room around him was getting him smaller, his overwhelming sense of panic setting in. If Trevor was being honest with himself, he always knew he had more than platonic feelings for Brandon but as soon as those thoughts entered his head, he found something else to suffocate them. Sure, he had taken multiple trivial “Am I Gay?” quizzes. Sure, he may have been working on a screenplay about two male friends who decide to date. And sure, he found himself following more and more attractive guys on social media in the past eight months than ever before but these things only had meaning if he allowed himself the time to think about them. 

“Trevor, take a deep breath.” He looked up at Rowan and to her surprise, his eyes were clouded with tears. “Are you okay?” 

That was all it took for a few tears to fall from his eyes. “I can’t remember the last time someone sincerely asked me that.” Trevor spoke, attempting to keep his voice still. “I’m… I’m not gay. I don’t think. Maybe I am. I don’t fucking know.” 

Rowan paused for a minute, thinking about how to word what she was going to say next. “You don’t have to know now. You don’t have to know ever. But I do think we both know that you definitely like one of the guys out there and although he may be disappointed, it’s not Sean.” Trevor couldn’t help but laugh. “I am gonna say this though: I don’t think the idea of him liking you back is completely out of pocket. Maybe it’s better to say something now before we all go away for college.” Rowan finished tentatively, careful not to overstep any bounds. 

“On my list of top ten things not to think about for the next month, the first one is Brandon and the second is college so we’ll see.” He wiped a tear from his cheek. “Tell anyone you saw me cry and I’ll tell everyone you still sleep with stuffed animals.”

“What the fuck is taking so long? Did you guys get lost in the fridge or something?” They heard Sean shout from the living room, reminding them of their earlier snack promise. The two of them walked out of the kitchen not a minute later, hands full of chips and whatever else they knew their parents wouldn’t miss.

Tossing a bag of chips directly at Brandons face, Trevor sat down next to him. 

“Salt and vinegar? You know me so well!” Brandon spoke as he ripped the bag of chips open and smiled at Trevor before he stuffed his face with food. The fact that even now, as this boy was sitting in front of him with crumbs all over his face, Trevor _still_ wanted to hold his hand should’ve been enough to let him know he was completely and utterly screwed. 

"Just because I know your taste doesn't mean I support it." 

"You'd support anything I do. I could literally kill a man and you'd still have my back." Brandon replied, throwing his arm over Trevor's shoulder.

Almost as if she could sense Trevor’s internal panic about to kick in, Rowan spoke up. “So what movie are we watching?” 

Naturally, Trevor spoke up first. “Well I was thinking - ”

“Dude if you suggest Reservoir Dogs again I’m taking away all of your suggestion privileges.” Sean interrupted.

Trevor replied with a blank look. “Okay so I think we should - ”

Once again, Sean cut him off. “Or Trainspotting. I don’t wanna watch that shit again.”

“Fuck off dude, you haven’t even given him a chance!” Brandon spoke, arms raised in frustration. “Also, Trainspotting was fucking great. You just have shitty movie taste.”

“Frozen. I was gonna say I think we should watch Frozen. The anticipation is gone now but that’s my suggestion.” Trevor spoke.

“Seriously? The cartoon?” Sean replied.

This time it was Rowan who came to Trevor’s defense. “What’s wrong with cartoons? I’m down for Frozen.”

Brandon spoke up next. “Honestly, me too. And it looks like Sean automatically loses the vote anyway so go Frozen it is!”

Feeling a small sense of pride, Trevor got the movie ready on the tv and pulled out his second (or was it his third?) joint of the day. If there was one thing all of them knew for sure it was that wherever Trevor was, he was always bound to have weed on him. He hit play on the movie, got his bowl of munchies ready and laid back on the couch. 

As he reached into his back pocket to grab his signature lighter, he felt a hand wrap around his. Before he even had a chance to look at who it was, his brain immediately registered it as Brandon’s, making Trevor thankful for the lack of light as he felt a small blush creep up his neck. 

“Dude you can smoke after, don’t worry.” Trevor spoke, making no attempt to remove Brandon’s hand.

“No dumbass, I got you something.” Brandon replied.

“Can it wait until after I take a hit?” 

“Trust me, you’re gonna want this.” 

“Okay fine. What is it?” Trevor was painfully aware of the fact that Brandon’s hand was still on his. He could trace the lines on his palms if he wanted to, could pinpoint the cause of every callous and honestly, could never move from this position and still be happy. 

“Close your eyes and hold out your hand.” Brandon said. Trevor did as he was told and felt a cool metal resting in his palm. He looked down to see a brand new lime colored Zippo lighter resting in his palm. On the bottom half of the lighter were various purple mushrooms, all blue stems. 

Brandon looked at him expectantly. “Even if you hate it, tell me you like it, this shit was hard to find.”

“No man, I love it. Honestly.” Trevor wrapped his hands around the lighter and brought it to his chest. “I’ll treasure it forever and ever.” He spoke in a sing-song tone.

“Are you sure? I can return it if you want, I know you have your regular silver one but I also know how beat up it is and I figured this one should last you through college.” Brandon replied.

“Hey! Can you guys keep it down? I’m missing the movie.” Sean shouted from across the living room.

“Hey! Fuck off. There’s subtitles for a reason.” Trevor shouted back. Sean simply shrugged in response, Trevor had a point.

Brandon grabbed the lighter from Trevors hand, flicking it on, a small fire coming from the top. Trevor put the joint between his lips as Brandon raised the flame to the end of it, closing his eyes as he took a deep inhale. When he opened his eyes as he exhaled and was met with Brandon’s brown eyes looking right back at him. Brandon grabbed the joint from Trevor’s hand and averted his gaze. As Brandon took a hit, Trevor could feel his eyes lingering on him. They passed the joint between the two of them a bit more, Brandon inevitably blowing smoke in Trevor’s face.

“How many times do I need to tell you how much I hate that?” Trevor questioned. 

“Until you do something about it I’m just gonna think you’re lying.” Brandon replied with a shit eating grin. 

Trevor brushed off the comment, passing around the joint to the others. He kept his new lighter in his pocket, something just him and Brandon could share for now. 

A few minutes was all it took before the four of them were high as hell, even Rowan who normally opted out. 

“Okay okay so wait are Anna and Elsa girlfriends or sisters?” Sean questioned, his eyes the most bloodshot out of all of them.

“You’re joking right.” Brandon spoke. “There’s no way you’re that fucked up already. They’re sisters dude, keep up!” 

As the movie continued the four of them laughed so hard they cried, cried so hard they laughed and ate almost everything in the pantry. There were about thirty minutes in when Brandon’s phone buzzed, a text from his dad bright on the screen. 

“Can I crash here tonight?” Brandon questioned, his eyes fixated on the tv screen.

“For sure. Is it your dad?” 

“Isn’t it always?” Brandon replied, before reaching what was left of the joint and taking one last hit. 

As the movie came to an end, Sean grabbed a few extra snacks for the ride home and said his goodbyes, leaving the three of them to clean up.

“When are you heading home? We can watch another movie if you want?” Rowan asked Brandon.

“T said I could crash here, my dads being a dick. Is that cool with you?” Brandon questioned back. Rowan looked at Trevor then back at Brandon, trying to hide the smile on her face.

“Yeah! That’s fine with me, you know where the blankets are.” Rowan finished putting away the snacks. “Goodnight guys, I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Goodnight, Ro. Love you.” Trevor spoke. He wasn’t sure whether it was his breakdown earlier or just his appreciation for her considering he had never uttered those words to her before, to anyone before, but he knew they were true.

Rowan couldn’t help the smile on her face. “Love you too, Trevor.”

Almost immediately after she left the kitchen, Brandon and Trevor did too, gathering blankets and making their way to Trevor’s room, the stairs creaking under their feet. 

“Do you have some shorts I can borrow? Sleeping in denim isn’t the most comfortable.” Brandon asked with a laugh, not even giving Trevor time to answer before he was digging through the dresser drawers. He walked into the bathroom and walked back out wearing a pair of pajama pants with cats on them.

“Seriously? You had to choose those?” Trevor questioned.

“Hey! You’re the one who bought them in the first place.” Brandon retaliated.

“Technically my stepmom bought them for me, I think she thought she was being nice. But fair enough.” Trevor replied as he crawled into bed, Brandon joining him but laying on top of the sheets. Growing up, Trevor never thought sharing a bed with another guy was weird; hell, when Sean got scared at camp he used to sneak into Trevor’s bed. With Brandon, it was different. Trevor blames it on his insane need to be hypermasculine whenever given the chance, even when he’s with people he knows won’t judge him and that he blames on his dad. Regardless, he was grateful to be close to Brandon even if there were a few layers of sheets separating the two of them. 

Brandon laid on his back, his eyes glued to the ceiling. “You’ve been sleeping through the night, right?” Brandon knew about the nightmares Trevor had dealt with ever since Rowan walked in on him and a bottle of pills. Trevor hadn’t even planned to tell anyone but apparently the version of him that didn’t drink was a lot more honest.

“You’ll be able to sleep through the night, don’t worry.” 

“I’m serious dude, if you wake up and need anything let me know.” Trevor nodded his head in response, a silence coming over the room. He couldn’t help but think of Rowan’s words in his head. _I don’t think the idea of him liking you back is completely out of pocket._ He thought back to the events of this night alone, the hand holding, the way Brandon got so defensive of him and the fact that Brandon didn’t seem to care if anyone else in their friend group had nightmares. If he didn’t say anything now, he might not ever but that didn’t mean it was a good thing to say. That also didn’t mean it was going to stop him.

“Are you still awake?” Trevor shifted so his back was towards Brandon, the less eye contact he had to make, the better.

“It’s been like ten minutes. What’s up?” 

“It’s nothing important, I’ve just been thinking about how things are gonna change when we all go to college.” Trevor spoke slowly. If he wanted to change the subject now he could.

“We both know you can’t handle change, think of something else.” Brandon replied.

“You say it like it’s easy.” Trevor took a deep breath. “Things aren’t gonna change between us, right?”

“Dumb question, you know you’re my best friend.” Brandon replied without a second thought. Best friend. Brandon would always see him as that and nothing more, yet Trevor couldn’t help the words that escaped his mouth.

“I don’t want things to change. But I don’t want to go to college with things unsaid. I don’t really know how to say the things I don’t want to go unsaid so here goes: I like you, B. In more than just a friend way.”

Brandon sat up almost immediately. “Are you telling me this because you think I’ll feel the same? I’m not gay.”

Trevor felt his face get red as he sat up as well. “I didn’t say you were… gay. I didn’t say I was either. I just - I wanted to say something before we went to college.”

“Will you give it up with the college bullshit? I get it, you’re scared. We all are. But that doesn’t give you an excuse to fuck up a childhood friendship.” Brandon shot back, ignoring the sound of Trevor’s wince. 

“I wasn’t trying to fuck anything up. I shouldn’t have said anything, I’m sorry.”

“You’re right, you shouldn’t have. I’m not fucking gay.” Memories of his dad yelling at him flashed in his mind as he stood up. His brain was clouded with his inner voice telling him to stay. _Sit back down and stay with him. It’s okay, you do like him. You’re allowed to like Trevor._

Brandon shook his head violently, as if trying to make the voices leave him alone. He started putting his shoes back on. “I should go.”

“I don’t want you going back to your dad if he’s gonna be shitty. I’ll sleep on the couch.” Trevor spoke as he grabbed a blanket.

“I don’t need you to look out for me. I’ll be fine.” Brandon grabbed his pants from the floor. 

"Brandon, stop. You can’t just run away from shit when you get scared.”

“I’m not scared. I’m just fucking leaving.” Without a second word, Brandon walked out the door. If he had stopped to think for a moment, he would be able to acknowledge the fact that he was scared. He would be able to acknowledge the fact that up in the room he had spent so much time in was someone who cared about him but he didn’t stop to think. His feet carried him as quickly as they could down the stairs, ignoring the sound of Trevor’s steps behind him. Brandon opened the door only to be met with Trevor’s hand over his shoulder, pushing the door back shut.

“Can we at least talk about this?” Trevor pleaded.

“There’s nothing to talk about.” Brandon replied.

“Cut the bullshit.” 

“I said there’s nothing to talk about.” Brandon swallows roughly. “Even if, we’re going to different colleges. Dating now would be pointless.” Trevor’s heart rate picked up at that comment but Brandon realized too late he had said too much. He reached for the doorknob again, desperate to escape this situation. 

“Let me go!” Brandon practically shouted, causing Trevor to jump back.

“Fine. You wanna leave? Fucking go. You wanna throw away the friendship? Fucking fine by me. When you wanna talk about this, you know where to find me.” Trevor threw his hands up in exasperation, opening the door Brandon. “Get out.” 

Brandon left without another word. As he walked down the front steps he turned back around to see Trevor closing the door. Once the door shut, it was only a matter of seconds before Trevor found himself in the kitchen. He rummaged through the kitchen cabinet desperately looking for something to calm him down. Ever since Rowan had told their parents about his issues with drinking, they had made any alcohol almost impossible to find. He checked under the sink, the freezer and nearly every cabinet, slamming the doors in the process. 

“Trev? What’re you doing?” Rowan questioned as she walked into the kitchen wrapped in a blanket, rubbing her eyes.

“Nothing! Go back to bed.” Trevor replied, his hands visibly shaking. It only took a minute for Rowan to realize what he was looking for and her eyes immediately went wide.

“Trevor listen to me. You’re better than this. Tell me what happened.” Before he knew it, Trevor had sunk into the kitchen floor and was telling Rowan everything. It’s not like there was much to tell, it was rather cut and dry: he fucked up. He was a fuck up and this was just more proof. 

Rowan wrapped her arm around his shoulder and spoke softly. “This isn’t your fault, I shouldn't have pushed you to say something. I’m proud of you though, I know that wasn’t easy for you to do. He’ll come around and apologize.” 

“And if he doesn’t?”

“We’ll deal with that if it happens.” She pulled the blanket off of her and wrapped it around the two of them. “Beds are overrated anyway.” Soon enough, they had fallen asleep on the kitchen floor and although Trevor wouldn’t admit it, it was the first time he had slept through the night all week. 

Trevor woke up with the sun, careful not to wake up Rowan as well, and reached for his phone to check the time. He dropped his phone almost as soon as he had picked it up, his heart thumping so loudly in his chest he was sure Rowan would hear it. On his screen were four words. Four words that his response to would determine basically, well, everything.

**brandon (3:58 am)**

hey. can we talk?   
  


**Author's Note:**

> hello hello this is my first time writing anything t@gged related so please feel free to rip me apart in the comments if you think there's anything i can improve on!! i don't normally dedicate my fics to anyone but this one goes out to my two besties who've kept me sane during quarantine by watching all of t@gged season three with me. as always kudos are appreciated and thank y'all for reading!!


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